Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You Might Also Like
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Where’s my employee discount too?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.