I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*