Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.