*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
tell em, edith-anne
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Go hard or stay average
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
SPLOOT
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea