[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.