If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Bike is short for Bichael.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome