there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.