Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
You Might Also Like
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
my proudest tweet
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.