Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
what’s really going on
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.