Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Phones down.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Day 2 of my diet
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.