Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I have obtained a hat
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*