I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.