Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Dishonest mechanic?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
technically true but not a great slogan
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert