Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*