[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*