When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing