It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?