We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?