*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
no their not
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in