*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You Might Also Like
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.