When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
This is enough internet for the day.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth