I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
me: my friends:
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!