How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
You Might Also Like
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.