And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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what?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no