Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.