Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.