They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Are we there yet?…
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.