The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe