My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt