Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰