Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED