me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m not proud
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.