so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
(Jupiter –
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Hard not to take this personally
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
This guy’s not having it 😆
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok