I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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From Facebook just now…
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”