I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying