Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try