Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming