When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!