Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining