If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Bringing home a sharpie
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Well well well…