I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.