If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist