My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
So glad we cleared that up
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides