I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Namaste
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.