Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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OH. COME. ON.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain鈥檛 coming unless it鈥檚 her idea.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You鈥檇 think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You鈥檇 think wrong.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn鈥檛 enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Cr猫me Br没l茅e in peace.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
People at work: you鈥檙e hilarious,man
Family: you鈥檙e really funny
Friends: you鈥檙e the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you鈥檙e occasionally witty, but don鈥檛 quit your day job
Wife: you鈥檙e an idiot. that鈥檚 not funny.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It鈥檚 a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
We need more people like this.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother鈥檚 name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I鈥檓 kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 馃幍 The Exact Same World馃幍
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that鈥檚 a fair point – I guess it鈥檚 really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.