Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
my nickname in college
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”