Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE