When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
i smell a pulitzer
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.