Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My Sentiments Exactly
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?