Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”